I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
