Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
