Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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