I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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