just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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