I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience