I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"