Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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