I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
