Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
