sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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