I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
