explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
