you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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