Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I will pee on everything he values.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
