Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
