I think I won the penis lottery.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
