Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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