i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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