so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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