when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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