I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
