I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
