If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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