Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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