Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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