I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
