took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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