The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
