i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
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that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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