If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They took my balls.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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