Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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