Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
