I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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