I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
