I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
