I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
