There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
