can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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