We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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