Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
