Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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