I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
