Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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