I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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