the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
