theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
