1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
