12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
