I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
