My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
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Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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