Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
