Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
