Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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