I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
someone owes me an orgasm
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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