Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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