I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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