I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
