i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
